I’ll be a great mother, I’ve got a degree, I can do this
Life has a funny way of showing you that as much as you may desire something, work twice as hard as the rest, you aren’t always able to control everything. Not even a little. Sometimes, it throws you a curve ball just for the pure hell of it I found this out very quickly when I became a parent. “This is great!” I thought to myself. “I managed to graduate from a school of accelerated learning and I did it with a very respectable GPA, my IQ scores are in the high range, so I most certainly am qualified to be a mom. I’m so going to rock this!” Yeah…The prat falls followed shortly thereafter.
Step 1: Try not to cry when your child ‘surprises’ you
Challenges lurk behind every corner when you become a mom. Such as, oh…I don’t know, coming home after a long day of work and fighting to get home in traffic and finding your best “I am woman, hear me roar” lipstick now decorating your white fridge in artful designs and a proud and equally decorated 3 year old son proudly standing by. Life score 1 and Mom score 0. Tears rolled down my face but I hugged him tight, telling him what great work he had done.
Step 2: Try not to say bad words when awakened by a 6 year old
Or…being awakened by a frightful war whoop approximately 1.2 seconds before a flurry of Nerf gun bullets, the kind with the suction cups, licked prior to firing, to ensure extra stickability, bristle from your face and lending to the general happy hilarity of a Saturday morning. Life score 2 and Mom score 0. I didn’t say anything too awful though I do have to admit to using the term ‘turkey turds’. Guilty as charged, I’m pleading temporary insanity. You would too.
Note, I’m not at my best when being awakened in such a manner and resembling all the likeability of an enraged porcupine awakened from hibernation. No, not one of my finer moments. Especially when hearing the click of a camera and glumly realizing my dazzling array of natural beauty will shortly be shown to an entire world of eager Facebook fans if I didn’t comply with the demands of a savvy if rather smart mouth blackmailer who is demanding pancakes, eggs and bacon in trade.
Step 3: Laugh and wait to cry, when that child outgrows his last pair of pants in 4 weeks
Given the choice of sending my growing too fast for me to sit on, and knowing that any attempt to impede such voracious growth is futile, son to school in the very last pair of uniform pants we have to our name that fit 4 weeks ago and now don’t, or in jeans with a note explaining why, take a breath and laugh. Send him in those newly formed high waters for one day. Crying can come as soon as the car door closes and his smacked kiss on your cheek fades, after you tell him how proud you are of him and how fast he’s growing and how much you love him. Then you can cry. Life score 2 and Mom score 1. I won this one, life, I think I’m starting to catch up and when I do, you’re going to owe me a new pair of pants!