An Unknown Person, who was probably sober, once said “The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” For some visuals, imagine Uncle Roger’s toupee floating in the toilet or that kid in your algebra class doing the funky chicken in his boxers. Oh, it hurts-but, let me be the first to stand up against Unknown. Just because your vision is blurred and your words are tumbling faster than Jack and his broken crown doesn’t mean that you can’t get sloshed with dignity. Drinking does not have to make you the Roman fool (or Uncle Roger). In fact, you can get pretty plastered without post-drunk shame.
1. Do Not Drink (Excessively) on an Empty Stomach
Two crepes and an orange will not hold down a Kamikaze, Bloody Mary, and Grateful Dead (especially if all were imbibed within a half hour). Your body needs time to process the alcohol. Throwing up is not a good look on anyone (Unknown would probably agree), so drink lightly on an empty stomach, or eat before you drink!
Drink as much water as alcohol. You don’t need to blackout to know you’re having a good time. A buzz will do just fine, and drinking water while drinking alcohol will prevent you from receiving a brutal hangover the next day. Hydration and eating before drinking could be umbrella’d under a “Don’t Get Too Drunk” rule. Getting too drunk is like giving the remote control of your body to an entity with no brain. In the movies when that happens, people usually die.
3. Consider Attire
Definition of skank (according to dictionary.com):
slang: a promiscuous female
To be cliché, the skank is usually garbed in a décolleté shirt, perhaps paired with a mini skirt and kitten heels. Putting behavior aside, this is not usually the best attire to wear when out drinking. For instance, kitten heels, vodka, and ice are not a good mix. Consider that it is very near impossible to fit a broken foot into a shoe (let alone a cute shoe). So, this is to male skanks too (and yes, I posit that they exist), for the sake of every one and mostly yourself, wear reasonable attire. Most people do not care to see your boxers or thong, so tuck it in, cover it fully, and move on! Nothing to see here.
4. Secure Your Phone
How cute. You get all Eyore-y and sad when you drink, and then you drunk dial and drunk text your ex. But wait! That is not cute. You will forehead slap yourself in the morning. Do not do it! Instead, baby proof your phone against yourself. Cell phones are important to have on you in case of emergency, but they can be dangerous themselves, especially paired with drunk you. Do yourself a favor and temporarily delete the numbers of anyone you may be tempted to drunk dial.
5. No Photos, Please!
All Facebook users have seen them: the girls licking cake off each other and the guys holding up their middle finger from one hand and a beer in the other. These photos are not attractive. They are not cool. They will not earn you friends or brownie points or a ticket to heaven or hell. They are the photos a child will find one day, point to, and ask you with a furrowed brow “Is that you, Mom/Dad/ReallyCoolAunt/Uncle?” Spare the child. Oh, and please, spare us Facebook users, do not pose for the camera. Do not even bring a camera. There’s a reason what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Finally, in maintaining dignity remember to plan a safe ride or a place to crash. Many universities offer free safe rides, while a friend with a couch can be your best friend. A mugshot is worse than a hangover, and lives taken cannot be returned. Do not drive while intoxicated. Enjoy the night but remember that there are still days to come, and when you look back, you’ll want to be able to hold your head high.