I have the unfortunate distinction of being a New York Jets fan, and if you’re not in this exclusive fraternity, then you will never truly grasp the concept of suffering. The best way I can describe it is being madly in love with a really ugly woman who is only happy when you’re miserable. I believe this horrible predicament qualifies me to write this. Here is my Holiday Gift Wish List for the New York Jets
- 1. A Time Machine
With a time machine the Jets could transport us all back to 1969. The year Led Zeppelin’s first studio recorded album was released. This was the year we landed on the moon and the Vietnam troop withdrawals began, but most importantly (at least for my wish list purposes) this was the year that Broadway Joe, while reclining in a beach chair, wearing plaid shorts and surrounded by reporters gave us “The Guarantee”. . . . . . . . . and then went out and backed it up. If for some reason our time machine can’t go back quite that far, I’ll settle for 1998 when Parcells and Belichick coached the team and almost beat the Broncos for a trip to the Super Bowl.
- 2. Scare the Giants out of town
I know you’re wondering” what the hell the Giants have to do with this?” Well just sit tight a minute and I’ll explain. I’m the youngest of three children. No matter what I did or how hard I tried I would always be “the baby.” Growing up my brother’s shadow seemed to be the size of the empire state building, and whether I liked it or not, that shade would be my dwelling place. That is of course, until he moved out. All of the sudden I seemed to matter more, people asked my opinion and actually considered it, life was great . . . . . .Then he moved back in. Any way you get my point, the Giants are the big brother in New York and as long as they’re hanging around with their sound judgment, steady coaching and Super Bowl wins, the Jets will remain wannabees. To gain further insight see: Mets-Yankees.
- 3. Sell out their PSL’s
Most of us aren’t really recognizing the impact that unsold PSL’s are having on our franchise. To begin with, it re-emphasizes all of that living-in-big-brother’s-shadow business because the Giants who play in the same building never had any PSL’s available. Why? Because they sold out the first day! This fact cemented the inferiority complex into the minds of eveyone associated with the Jets. Secondly, in a foolish attempt to remain relevant after a Giant Super Bowl Victory they signed Tim Tebow. Sure they’re getting loads of attention, but I don’t think Rex Ryan on the back page of the New York Post dressed in a clown outfit was exactly what they had in mind.
- 4. Place Woody Johnson and Mike Tannenbaum into stockades so Jet fans can smack their heads as they enter the stadium
Maybe this should have been first on my wish list. I know Mike Tannenbaum is in charge of player transactions, but Woody hired him and is guilty of aiding and abetting a General Manager imposter. I know I mentioned the Tebow signing before, but its sheer stupidity bears repeating for emphasis. Here’s the skinny: The Jets signed Tebow, touted him as some sort of secret weapon, realized they couldn’t use him but continued anyway, still haven’t stopped pretending he’s a viable threat despite a fracturing locker room, and then claim the press created the whole thing. Incidentally, after signing “Tim Terrible” they felt a need to pacify Mark Sanchez, so they gave him a 58 million dollar extension. I guess nobody but me saw him completely unravel last season while leading his team to an 8-8 record. Woody and Mike decided to reward him for his outstanding play so he could do it all over again this season and Mark certainly hasn’t let his bosses down. In addition they never really truly addressed the offensive or defensive lines, because they were too busy figuring out how to cram Tebow into the offense. I beleive all this would have been avoided if the PSL’s were sold
- 5. Make Rex Ryan drink truth serum before press conferences
At first I thought Rex was exactly what he claimed to be, a fiercely dedicated coach who simply spoke his mind at all times. He rolled into town with his chest poked out, beefing with Belichick right off the bat. He let his guys talk freely to the press, cried at team meetings and told us his team was Super Bowl Bound……..and he came really close, two years in a row. All that barking is acceptable when your team wins, but bravado doesn’t work too well when you and your boys get taken to the wood shed every Sunday. Now we can see he simply refuses to tell us the truth. Before this season, Rex claimed this was his most talented team. Now you don’t beleive that an experienced coach like Rex is that bad at evaluating talent, do you? I doubt it and so do you. Now he spends press conferences trying to convince us not to believe our eyes. He assures us that Mark Sanchez remains the long term solution for the team at Quarterback, when we all know he is only a loss or two away from some serious pine time. Sometimes I feel badly for Ryan because I know he didn’t choose his roster, but he does choose his words and they simply can’t be trusted.