When I got married I assumed that my husband and I would wait a bit before thinking about having kids and since we got married young I was fine with that. In my mind, we would get a little established and we would have two kids by the time I was 25. Unfortunately, things did not work out the way I had planned.
About a year and a half after our marriage, my husband was out of college and working. Although we still didn’t have much we decided it would be fine if we had a child. After a year, we were still no closer to becoming parents. As I began seeing a doctor for some problems I had been having, I thought at one point I might be pregnant. Instead came the news that my husband and I were infertile. This began a journey that I honestly learned more from than almost any other situation in my life.
As we met with the doctor, a full round of testing was done to see if a cause could be determined. Sometimes the test and questions that had to be asked were downright embarrassing and very intrusive. I even ended up having exploratory surgery to try to locate the problem. After exhausting all medical tests the diagnosis was unexplained infertility.
Then the treatments began. Clomid was prescribed in order to aid in becoming pregnant. This is a drug that I would not wish anyone would have to take. The side effects were horrible. I experienced itchy bumps up and down my legs and mood swings that made me look like I was going to rip your head off at any moment. I was able to find a support system through an online community of women who were also going through infertility. I don’t know how I could have managed without being able to connect with others in the same situation.
During this time, I don’t think a day went by that I did not cry. I had to mourn the child that was never to be. I looked at families in public wondering why that couldn’t be my husband and me. The play area at the mall tugged at my heart every time I had to walk by. Instead of my marriage being carefree and being able to experience normal things in life, it centered on trying to have a baby. We prayed and did everything the doctor suggested. Nothing worked.
No matter what we did nothing seemed right. Emotions were high and it was too much. We started to think about adoption. We located an adoption agency and decided to go for it. We would adopt a boy from Russia with medical needs such as a clubfoot or cleft palate.
We did the research and bought a house in order to make the adoption a reality. As we were fixing the house once again the possibility came up that I might be pregnant. I ignored it because I couldn’t handle it and I was sick of taking negative pregnancy tests. A co-worker egged me on at lunch one day to just take the test. So in the bathroom of K-mart I took the darn test. To my amazement I was pregnant.
Nine months later after years of trying we became parents. I believe that timing was everything. Today I am blessed with two wonderful children that I would do everything all over again just the way it happened in a heartbeat. When I look around and see a mess I am often reminded that there were days I would have given anything to have a messy house from kids. When I look into the eyes of my children, I feel blessed beyond belief.
I am a person of faith and going through the journey of infertility has taught me many things. I have learned that God is in control and sometimes when the answer to prayer is yes, you still might have to wait until the right time. I have also learned that it’s not my will but the will of my Father. God will do what is best for us just like any good parent will do. He made me wait for my children until it was the right time. It made me sad going through it, but looking back on it now I completely understand why I had to wait. I think I appreciate the children I have much more than I would have otherwise. Finding a good support system and constant communication with my husband were key components in working through it all. Educating myself on the treatments and options were also helpful so that we were better able at making the decisions that were right for us.
Even though it was a difficult time in my life I learned more things about my marriage, my faith, and myself than I would have otherwise. Now that I do have children I count my blessings everyday and appreciate the fact that I am a parent. Most importantly is the love that I have for my children. That alone is worth two times the wait that I had to endure.
