When I was 19 years old and a freshman in college, I got pregnant. I didn’t know what to do and by the next morning, panic had set in. I kept thinking of all the things that’d change when he or she was born. How would I tell my parents? How would I finish my education? Because the father and I had only been together for three months at this time, even though I really enjoyed spending time with, I figured the relationship wouldn’t last. Who would he or she live with? How was I going to be a mother when I was still just a child myself. I decided against abortion, but there was still a choice to be made: placing my child up for adoption or keeping him.
Making the decision to give my son up for adoption was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Before feeling him kick and hearing his heartbeat, the decision had been easy, but I realized at about five months pregnant that it’d be very hard to grow so attached to him and then place him for adoption. When deciding on adoption, the decision must be made upon what you truly think is best for the child. Getting pregnant out of marriage voided out my privilege of being able to think about myself first. It was not my parents’ responsibility to take care of my child and I realized quickly that being a full-time mother and a full-time student wasn’t possible. Although it hurt very bad to know I couldn’t raise my own son, I found peace in knowing that I could give life to a beautiful child, make a couple’s dream come true and finish my education.
I interviewed about 10 couples before deciding. Being diligent in my search for perfect parents helped feel good about the final decision. I felt that if I searched long and hard enough for truly amazing parents, sending my son home with them wouldn’t seem so catastrophic. When the day finally came, because I had put my heart and soul into making sure, I felt very confident in my choice.
Anyone affiliated or associated with adoption can tell you that it is not an easy thing to do. The pain of losing a child will leave a hole in your heart that will never be filled. I thought about this quite often during my pregnancy. “How will I be able to deal with the pain of losing my first son?” When I first met him, the thought of giving him up for adoption made me physically sick. I loved him so much. How was I going to be able to part with him? I thought the pain would surely kill me. It’s normal to feel like that. The adoption agency I went through gave me a three days grace period. I was able to spend time with him and was thankful I didn’t have to make the decision immediately.
Looking down at my son, I realized I had never loved anyone more than him. I only wanted the best for him. He deserved every opportunity to succeed. I knew I couldn’t give him what he needed. Admitting that to myself was hard, but by being honest with myself and loving my son, I was able to look past the hurt in my heart and decide that adoption really was the only choice.
