The government of Kenya has pledged that once the country reaches 50 next year, its hangover and alcohol poisoning trauma will be over and it can now begin its long promised journey to the promised middle-income paradise.
Maneno Matupu, the government spokesman, who was recruited a year ago after his tongue beat other contenders in a fork-out contest, said the hangover bug beat Kenya on 2nd June1963, just one day after the British granted Kenya internal self rule. “Of course we partied all night and only expected a hangover the next morning, but unfortunately, someone must have put a syrup drug in our drink that made us drowsy since then,” he said yesterday, after the country celebrated 49 years of internal self rule, aka, Madaraka Day.
Despite fighting for and being awarded madaraka in 1963, Kenya still sells raw coffee, tea, flowers and Mombasa beaches for its livelihood; Nairobi, the capital city; hasn’t experienced neither a new sewer system nor new rail lines for its oppressed public transport commuters who have to pay double or triple matatu fares when it rains. Public hospitals regularly lack drugs and other essential equipment, public primary and secondary schools lack adequate teachers. “Thank you for reminding me of those pertinent issues,” Maneno says. “But you must remember when someone is suffering from both a hangover and alcohol poisoning, one can’t think straight.” Maneno says that the country has been trying since 2nd June 1963 to get a cocktail of drugs to treat both the hangover and the alcohol poisoning. “We appealed to the UN Security Council to help our country, but the British, the French and the Americans ordered British tea as a cure, but the Chinese and the Russians rejected that proposal. And it has been a stalemate since then,” he says.
Maneno adds that Kenya has been lobbying the Brazilians and the South Africans to break the deadlock, but unsuccessfully. He adds that Brazil has a vested interest in rejecting British tea and promoting its coffee as a cure, and that South Africa is under pressure from its traditional liquor industry to propose mqombothi instead. “We decided, as a country, to look for alternative treatments and after a long tendering, rejection and re-tendering process, we settled on a Tanzanian herbalist Babu who advised us that both the hangover and the poison will dissipate after we reach 50 in a year’s time.”
Maneno assures Kenyans, and particularly the British, that after we reach 50, not only will we begin functioning like a sober adult, we will shock the world. “Kenya will actually save the Eurozone from impending disintegration. We will have so much money so we will lend all those countries in distress. And know what, we won’t even ask for conditionalities such as good governance and human rights observance and those other nonsensical things the World Bank and the IMF shove down our throats,” he says.
Pressed for further clarification, Maneno promises to get back to us asap. “I have to attend the Madaraka Day buffet at State House. I hear there will be lobster. You don’t expect me to miss that now, do you?”