As far back as I can remember I have battled depression. I did not understand what it was when I was a teen but as I got older I understood totally.
My life has been full of abuse. The pain from my childhood has caused me to forget my childhood. Almost all of it. That is for the best, I suppose. I have little bits and pieces I remember. Some good but most are bad memories. I feel like I was born at about 15. I think about things I accomplished in school but wonder how I did it since I cannot remember. It amazes me that I went to Memphis and passed the boards to be a hairdresser and do not remember the things I did, where I stayed, or hardly anything.
I knew I was different as I got older and went farther through school. I was so uncomfortable around other students and adults. I did not realize how bad my problems were until I started to try to date. Mood swings, and sadness began to hit me so bad that it hurt physically.
My problems got worse when I was married. I had a whole new set of problems which created more depression. There seemed to be more depression because I felt like I did not deserve to be married. I was comfortable around my husband; we were childhood sweethearts but he put up with a woman with a lot of problems.
Depression is a form of anger. I knew that a long time before I went to a therapist. Anger turned inward is the worst anger there can be. I knew I was angry. When I was depressed I would cry. The more I cried the angrier I became. There are some things tears will help but depression is not one of them. There is no relief.
There are now medications that ease depression to a point. It sometimes takes trying more than one medication in order to find one that works for you. I, myself cannot take antidepressants any longer than a few months. The medication causes me to not have any feelings at all. It not only stops the tears, it stops the laughter and any other feelings. I can’t stand the way it feels. Like you are just here feeling nothing; so I stop the medication.
When I was in my late 20’s, I started going to therapy, then later I tried group therapy. I guess it helped in some ways but there is nothing that is going to take away all those feelings of despair and hopelessness. I probably stopped trying therapy after about 10 years. I still see a doctor every 6 months and take medication only when I need it. I have a form of depression that is caused by “outside circumstances.” Every time something upsetting or traumatic happens it throws me into a deep depression. I just do not cope.
There are a lot of things one can do to help themselves when they are having a bout of depression. Try to make yourself get out of the house. Even for just a few minutes. Call one of your friends and talk to them. It doesn’t have to be about your problems unless you want to talk about them. If you have a hobby, try to occupy yourself a little each day with that. Try to read your Bible if you are a believer. Get out of bed and get dressed, doing what you always do. Do not let a depression keep you in the bed or house. It will only make it worse.
I have to say that the thing that helped me more than anything was my faith in God. I prayed and felt like God helped me. I still have to deal with depression when something happens in my life. I lost my youngest son over a year ago and have been in a battle with depression since then. I know some day it will get better but for now, it is my companion.
God is also my companion and he will walk me through it even if it takes a while.