“Happiness.” So many people take this feeling for granted. For me, being happy is my life’s goal, and it’s something that I’ve been working on for 10 years. There is nothing I want more than to purge myself of the depressing and suicidal thoughts that plague my mind. I do have my good days, but they don’t always make up for being depressed. I’ve struggled with depressing and suicidal thoughts since I was 15 years old and cutting since the age of 20. I’m 25 now and while I’ve managed to become more stable, I’m still waiting to finally be happy and wondering how long I have to suffer from depression.
I used to be the happiest kid. I had loving people in my life, and I was always laughing. My sisters and I always had a warm meal, roof over our head, and were spoiled on occasion. How does a happy kid grow into such a depressed adult? It baffles me. My depression started in high school, only mine did not fade away after. I remember being so depressed that I would often cry hysterically, praying for God to end my life. While I did have suicidal thoughts, I’ve never attempted suicide. I’ve always told myself that I would not hurt the people I love by killing myself. From the beginning, I’ve decided that suicide wasn’t the answer, no matter how much I wanted it to be.
There wasn’t any specific event that jump-started my depression. I just remember it gradually getting worse. However, there are two life-changing events that have pushed me down into the deepest, darkest depression. When I was 19, my best friend, Amanda, died in a tragic accident. I began cutting and doing drugs. I would cut myself because feeling the physical pain was so much easier than my emotional pain. The second event, the one that saddens me the most, was Dad’s death. My dad passed away over three years ago, and I miss him more and more every day.
While I’m still depressed, emotionally I’m more even. I find myself being neutral a lot, I’m not really happy, but I’m not overly depressed. I’ve stopped doing drugs, and I haven’t cut myself in over a year. One of the biggest things that helps is talking about my troubles. Many of the people in my life know about my troubles with depression, drugs and cutting. I’m as honest as possible about my problems, which helps me cope and makes life a bit easier. Even after death, my dad is the biggest influence in my life and the driving force that helps me push forward during the darkest times. Everything that I accomplish, every goal that I meet, I do it for him. I keep going; I try to overcome my pain and he is the main reason. He taught me to be open, honest, loving, and supportive. But most of all, he taught me to be a fighter.