I got divorced when I decided living at home was no longer safe. My relationship fell apart because my husband and I did not have a relationship based on mutual love and understanding. Rather, it was an infantile relationship that was based on manipulation, fear, and mutual dependency. I became very ill when I was married, and suffered from a staph infection that led to a bone infection. Financial disaster struck during this time, which further strained an already damaged relationship. For much of our relationship I felt starved and devoid of the unconditional love of the Father I sought for what seemed like an entire lifetime. My desires were suppressed in an environment and house that did not support God.
At one point I put my foot down in response to certain emotional abuses and addictions that were damaging my inner spirit and soul to extreme levels. They were violating the marriage covenant I had made and truly damaging my own ability to recognize who I was as a person. I had come to reject the beautiful rose that God had created. I felt I was in danger, and my children. Whether this was physical or spiritual did not matter.
Preparing To Flee In The Dark Of The Night
One night, at about 9pm, we fled in the wee hours of the night. The rest is history. I was in a shelter for a while. Under what I felt was God’s direction, we decided on mediation to resolve our divorce. The process itself was not terrible. I decided to work with counselors so the children could build a strong relationship with their father. I believe that regardless of the situations we face in life, parents need to try to find a place of unconditional love, compassion, and forgiveness. No matter what I suffered in the place, I have found that part of my heart that accepts my own mistakes, and that place of understanding, forgiveness, and unconditional love that can only come from the father.
I am not bitter or angry, and certainly not afraid anymore. I can tell you that children and divorce do not mix. Divorce has and always will be the most incredibly difficult thing I have ever gone through. The first three months following my divorce I wept bitterly. Then when I was finally able to move into an apartment, I wept again. I am convinced the lady that lived beneath me moved out because I sobbed so loudly the tears shook like an earthquake beneath me. But after my grief subsided, I began blessing, myself and my now ex. I have learned that he, like anyone else, is a human being, forced to make decisions because like me, he suffered a lifetime of abuses, wrong turns, and lack of the nurturing we all need as children growing up.
I don’t want my children to grow up feeling deprived of the love they need. So today, if anything, I feel my divorce has taught me how to be a better parent, if not sad; a more loving parent, and a very compassionate person. I praise God for that, and pray one day he will reconcile me in more ways and bring me a great and holy mate, a fleshy one that is!