Checklists… planners… schedules… to do lists… I have always used these tools to help me stay organized. However, I used them excessively, almost like an addiction. Letting go of my need for total control has always been a struggle and I thought I would never overcome.
Ever since I was little, I learned that if I stayed in control, things would go my way. If I could just have all my ducks in a row, nothing could go wrong. The more I tried to stay in control, the harder it got. It wore on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I could never keep up and then when I lost control, I was crushed. I panicked when I was no longer in control. Even little things, like planning meetings with my friends did not always work out. So I cried. The inability to control this area of my life was terribly upsetting. I figured that I was just not trying hard enough and increased my efforts. Sure, I was a happy person, but only because life was good. When the storms came, I wondered where God was and why he did not see how hard I was trying. I did not truly believe.
I came to belief in God at a young age, but the truths that poured out of God’s Word never really stuck with me. Trusting in God was a scary thing to think about. I could not seem to really let go of my control. What I did not know was that I really was not ever in control at all. God is the only one ever in control of anything. Well, I had heard it all before and I had never really experienced how freeing letting go can be. I do not believe anyone can completely trust in God until they are independent. I recognized this when I got married.
No longer were my parents paying the bills or managing the checkbook. No longer did I have a chauffer to drive me around if I was afraid to or call someone to come and fix things gone wrong. Sure, that support was there and still is but when I was married, my parents were not my source of money or dependence. It was at that moment at the altar that I truly recognized what trust was really all about. I trusted this man to be with me through thick and thin and provide. Above all, I should have been trusting God.
When my son was born, this was the true first jumping off point of letting go of my control. It all started when my little boy was about to be born and we had no idea when or where it would happen. There was nothing we could do about it and there was nothing we could do to be ready. Now, our schedules revolve around his schedule. We are late for appointments and have screaming fits in church. And you know that’s okay with me!