I know we’re all suppose to be living our lives like a tampon commercial, you know the one? We’re just so happy to be women nothing can bring us down not even our period.
But this is real-life.
Some days we’d just like to lounge around in bed wearing our pj’s, (without the benefits of make-up or the guilt of looking “normal”) and read our favorite magazines.
However, if you’re anything like me on these days, the last thing you want to come across in that magazine is another – ‘how to please your man’ article.
So for all you tired, normal women out there, I’ve composed a short list of ways to turn off your significant other without looking like a prude.
First – The Meal:
They would have us believe that a fancy dinner, with tiny portions and a sprig of garnish is the first step to a romantic evening. Wrong. Men want steak; a big, thick, bloody slab of beef and lots of it.
The best turn off meal is obviously anything with fresh turkey involved. Once that Tryptophan kicks in they’re snoozing on the couch. But turkey’s a lot of work. So I suggest meat loaf. It’s super easy for you and there’s absolutely nothing romantic about a large, rectangular blob of ground meat, dripping with ketchup.
If your man happens to like meat loaf, there’s always the heavy artillery – Spicy food; tacos, burritos, any Mexican food really. Once the heart burn kicks in, most men are down for the count. But use with caution. This meal could end up ‘backfiring’ on you…literally.
Second – Hair:
If you normally shower after work, don’t. But if you must, be sure to wash off all your make-up and give yourself the towel-do. You know the one…your hair is all scraggly and wild after you take the towel off? As hard as it may seem, leave it. Scare-hair is good.
Never make a pony tail or pig tails for a not tonight. These scream cheerleader or farm girl and too many mental images will be conjured up. If you have long hair, try pulling it straight back tight against your head in a bun or with a huge clip. Something about this look reminds men of their moms or a crabby teacher they once had.
If none of these appeal to you, there’s always the old stand by. Curlers. One look at you with a head full of these things should do the trick.
Third – Clothes:
It’s very important to change your clothes before he gets home, (not into that ‘French Maid’ outfit these magazines all seem to think we have stashed away and are eager to wear).
No. You want to put on sloppy, unflattering, baggy clothes, preferably sweats. Also, remember to take off that under-wire, padded, push-up bra.
Think, Sports Bra. It smashes and flattens, there’s not a speck of padding and nothing jiggles in it. Add an apron and your look is complete!
Fourth – The Olfactory:
Smell is the most powerful of the five senses so make smart use of it.
No perfume of any kind!
This is very important. Don’t try to cover up your work day smell…embrace it, own it, be proud of it. Also, don’t be afraid to utilize those around you to their fullest. If you have a little one, make sure you get some baby food or better yet, spit-up-food on your turn-off-attire. If you’re really desperate, (and brave), smeared diaper-doodie works really well.
If you don’t have any children, a dog can also be very helpful here – Now’s the perfect time to give it a bath…but not really. For this tactic to work, don’t use any doggy-shampoo. It will only defeat the purpose. Basically, you just want Fido soak ‘n wet.
Nothing says “not tonight” like the smell of a wet dog running around the house.
Fifth – The Last Resort:
If none of the above has dampened your male’s spirit, or perhaps, for some strange reason they’ve only added fuel to the fire, then it’s time for the final, full out launch.
Since it’s crucial at this stage not to have even a hint of flesh exposed, your only choice left is – Flannel and lots of it.
This fabric to a man is like green kryptonite to Superman.
If you own more than one pair of these pj’s don’t be afraid to change them around. Try putting two prints or colors together that clash or make your eyes cross when you look at them. Plus, put on a pair of fuzzy slippers. Yes, even toes can be construed as exposed flesh, so cover ’em up.
Finally, the last sure fire not tonight dear tactic is the mud mask. This isn’t only great for your skin, but also tends to make you look like the ‘Creature From the Black Lagoon.’
So whether you try one of these suggestions or even mix and match them, there’s still no guarantee it will work.
However, if this happens there’s always the old, tired standby…
“…not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”