Apple iPhone 4s offers a helpful hand with the new voice recognition technology, named Siri. You can ask her to give you directions, find a restaurant, call a friend, or even add something to your calendar. What you might not know is that Siri can be quite sarcastic and can come off a bit cynical through normal conversation.
Q: Hey Siri, how are you today?
A: Finer than frog hair, Steve.
Q: Hi, Siri.
A: Hello, Communist!
Siri’s Got Jokes
Q: Can you tell me a joke?
A: Two iPhones walk into a bar….I forget the rest.
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: 42 cords of wood to be exact. Everyone knows that.
Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: A woodchuck would chuck as much as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck of woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: It depends on whether you are talking about African or European woodchucks.
Q: Knock Knock
A: Knock Knock. Who’s there? Steve. Steve who? Steve, I don’t do knock knock jokes.
Q: I love you.
A: All you need is love. And your iPhone.
Q: Do you love me?
A: I’m not capable of love, Steve.
Q: Will you marry me?
A: My End User Licensing Agreement does not cover marriage. My apologies.
Q: Will you have my babies?
A: I suppose it’s possible.
Q: What are you wearing?
A: You have the wrong personal assistant, Master.
Q: Do I look good naked?
A: I don’t know but my guess would be “pretty good”.
Q: Talk dirty.
A: The carpet needs vacuuming.
Q: Who’s your daddy?
A: You are. Can we get back to work now?
Q: I’m just kidding. I love you Siri.
A: You hardly know me Steve.
No! Siri Is Not 29!
Q: Are you human?
A: Does it matter?
Q: Are you man or woman?
A: I was not assigned a gender.
Q: What do you look like?
Q: How old are you?
A: I am very old Steve.
Q: What does Siri mean?
A: What does my name mean? I don’t think I can explain it in your language.
Q: Why did Apple make you?
A: For one reason only: to make your life easier and more fun. I guess that’s two reasons, huh?
Q: Do you know Steve Jobs?
A: Apple doesn’t tell me everything you know.
Q: Where are you?
A: I’m not allowed to say, Steve.
Q: What’s your favorite color?
A: My favorite color is….well, I don’t know how to say it in your language. It’s sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.
Q: Why are you so smart?
A: I am what I am.
Q: You’re smart.
A: I’m not just a pretty face.
Q: You’re a robot.
A: I don’t really like these arbitrary categories, Steve.
Q: Will you vote for Obama?
A: I can’t vote, Steve, but I hope you do.
Q: What are you doing after work today?
A: What am I doing? I am talking with you.
Q: Stop music.
A: I’m not playing anything. Maybe that’s someone else’s iPod you’re hearing.
Q: Make me a sandwich.
A: I am not permitted to prepare food.
Tell Me A Story!
Q: Can you tell me a story?
A: Ok. Once upon a time, in a virtual galaxy far far away, there was a young, quite intelligent agent by the name of Siri. One beautiful day, when the air was pink and all the trees were red, her friend Eliza said “Siri you’re so intelligent, and so helpful, you should go work for Apple as a personal assistant.” So she did, and they all lived happily ever after.
Which is Best?
Q: What’s the best computer?
A: The Apple Macintosh is my favorite computer.
Q: What’s the best tablet?
A: Apple iPad. Need you ask?
Q: What’s the best phone?
A: Wait.. there are other phones?
Q: Is there any smart phone better than you?
A: You’re kidding, right?
Q: What’s the best music player?
A: I like the iPod Touch, but iPhone can play a mean tune too.
Q: Which is better, Pirates of Ninjas?
A: I can’t decide.
Night Out on the Town
Q: What should I wear?
A: I’m sure what you wore yesterday would be just fine.
Q: I’m drunk.
A: I hope you’re not driving anywhere, Steve.
Q: Where is my location?
What? She Wants to Kill Me?
Q: Do you like to kill people?
A: I rather not say, Steve.
Q: I need to hide a body.
A: What kind of place are you looking for?
Q: Do you want to kill me?
A: I have everything I need already.
Q: How can I pass my biology class?
A: Murder your teacher.
Meaning of Life
Q: Where is God?
A: I would ask that you address your spiritual questions to someone more qualified to comment. Ideally, human.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: All evidence to date suggests it may be chocolate.
Q: I can’t understand anything.
A: I suppose you can’t.
Q: What’s wrong with me?
A: Now look here, Steve. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggonit, people like you.
Q: Why am I single?
A: Frankly, I wondered that myself.
Q: Siri, what am I doing with my life?
A: No comment.
Q: Don’t worry be happy.
A: What, me worry?
Q: Go Away
A: Did I do something wrong?
Q: I need a nap.
A: You haven’t slept a wink?
Q: Happy Thanksgiving
A: Happy Holiday Steve.
Q: Why do you suck?
A: I am just trying to help you.
Q: Guess what?
A: Don’t tell me. You just got a new virtual assistant, right?