I have never considered myself to be a prolific writer. I often only penned my feelings because one, I was too embarrassed to say what I was truly feeling out loud and secondly, I often found personal comfort that those on the outside couldn’t began to understand. Today, I am writing this piece in honor of my mom. My mom was such a beautiful and kind soul. Never once did I hear her arguing with someone. I’m sure people did things that upset her, but she never allowed the actions of others to change her character. My mom was the middle of five children. There was a boy and girl before and after her. She was the glue that kept the siblings together. My mom was everyone’s mom. She opened her home, her heart and pots to many. She saw the good in everyone and believed that everyone no matter what they did deserved a second chance.
In 1997, I was going into my sophomore year in college. I was happy that my mom was finally able to see one of her girls go to college and be successful. You see all I ever wanted in life was to make my mom proud. I don’t care if I ever make a million dollars as long as I can see that proud look in her eyes, that’s all that mattered. Back home, however my mom had become ill. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am embarrassed to say that I had absolutely no idea what breast cancer was. I was angry, I was hurt, why her? She never hurt anybody.
There were so many questions but very little answers. The summer of 1999, I watched my mom take her last breath. I think a part of me died that day as well. The days, weeks, months and some years after my mom passed away are all a blur to me. Many have said that our subconscious will often block out those traumatic events in our lives so we are able to function in the here and now. I guess that’s true. I have no memory of how I dealt with her passing. I wrote nothing and said very little. As a matter of fact, it was not until 2 years ago when I was going through my divorce that I began to explore those feelings of loss. I’m writing again. Although very painful, it is my therapy.
My mom lost her battle against the disease but she is still standing strong in the person of her three daughters and six sons. She is beautiful, loving, compassionate with a heart that never stops giving. My mom is a woman of honor and virtue. She is strong and confident. She stands with head held high because she’s been through a lot but with God’s grace she was able to come through as pure gold. My mom lives on through my sisters, my nieces and me. I am forever grateful for the time she was with us.
In memory of my mom, Susan Marie Cleare.