She closed the book she was reading and placed it on the table. I say she was reading it, but more accurate would be to say that she was blankly staring at the pages. She got up from the cold, plastic red seat, took a deep breath and decided to walk through the door. As she got up from the chair in the plain room she was nervous, her palms clammy. She had thought it strange she hadn’t noticed this while she had been sitting, but then again she hadn’t been aware of much while she was sitting, lost in her own thoughts. In fact if you were to ask her what the book she was reading was actually about I doubt she would be able to tell you in any great detail.
She had been concerned with the uneasy feeling that now inhabited her stomach and the questions that caused it. There were so many questions for him. Why did this happen? How was it now he was there? Was he even there? Why did he leave them? All the questions were swimming in her mind. She thought she had prepared sufficiently. She thought she could do this but now as the thoughts effervesced within her mind, coming to the front before quickly being replaced by another, she was unsure.
The room was dull and seemed to reflect her loneliness, her sadness at her situation she now found herself in. She had never been one for self pity throughout her life. How hectic her life was there was no time to indulge in that particular activity. ‘Keep Calm and Carry on’ she had once seen on a poster, that was her. Between work and her family life there was plenty to keep her mind occupied. Good times, despite the struggles, seemed always ok. Now she’d had her world turned upside down and through her tears had made the ultimate trade off.
That wasn’t like her but she’d been in a dark place, her whole life had become very aphotic. Sure she had her two children and they had to be her focus, that is what everyone was telling her. Yes, of course she knew that, and they were, but it was hard. They had lost their father but damn it she had lost her life partner, her husband, her lover. Never again would he touch her in the way that used to put tingles up her back. He would never gently kiss her neck in a stolen moment of intimacy ever again, and it was this that crushed her the most.
Don’t misunderstand, she was strong for her children, but it was tough. A tissue and a hug can soothe the tears of a child, but the answers they wanted she just didn’t have. The truth was she didn’t know why their father was gone. Killed in a car accident was what the official reason for his death was but surely that was not why they were now without a family member? Surely her children were not to grow up father-less because of an ‘accident’? He had been at the office Christmas party before driving home. It had started to snow that night but was not that bad when he lost control and hit the tree, not so bad that he hadn’t driven in similar or worse before. ‘Killed instantly’ said the policeman who came to her door late one night to deliver the news. Killed instantly, as if that would be some consolation to her. She was dying everyday since this happened and she didn’t know why he did this to them but she would shortly.
If you were given the chance to see a loved one just once more, wouldn’t you? She hadn’t told anyone what she had traded but she was sure it would be worth it for the answers he would give her on the other side of this door.