They call it obsessive compulsive disorder today, however the term “perfectionist” is what I was deemed for so long. I have struggled with OCD more than I’ve ever allowed anyone to know. I struggle with invasive thoughts that hauntingly play over and over in my mind. Problem solving something that’s close to my heart is a definite trigger for these thoughts. I, also, struggle with the need to have certain things a certain way, and if they are not my thoughts will obsess over that matter until I act upon it.
I would, also, have to say that this very nature causes a lot of my dysfunction. I will act out in a disorderly way if, let’s say, I have our home gym room set up so it is functional and ready to walk in and use all the equipment, but then my husband uses it as his personal dumping ground for stuff he doesn’t want to put away properly. The result of that is anxiety and agitation to the point of loud, negative verbal expression, as I somehow feel it’s an attack of disrespect for my efforts.
It is often thought by others that I just want things “my” way. The fact of the matter is that, on certain things, I can’t seem to sway on because the mental anxiety is just short of torture. However, on other issues I, seemingly, am not bothered at all. I’m not as bad as I used to be as I take medicine now but, OCD still affects my day to day life. obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t all bad because it, also, means that I have a higher than average IQ.
In self-analysis, I would have to conclude that my OCD stems from a root cause of the need for perfection. I believe that though my thoughts, and even actions, can be defined as irrational that I have an undeniable need to have order. I’ve experienced a very hard knocks life, even, from childhood. I had no control of the external forces, and I would suggest that it may have fueled an impulse to govern over that to which I could. So, the chaos and confusion of anxious thoughts that race through my mind, are soothed by my creative and methodical arrangements. For me, it becomes a state of peaceful harmony under a constituted command. For others, they conceive my duress as nothing other than a dramatic scene. To which, my OCD anxiety, has been called controlling, having too many rules, and being a “neat” freak.
Obsessive compulsive disorder has been associated with various other forms of mental illnesses. There is treatment available from support groups, counseling, medication, and my favorite Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). You don’t have to suffer alone. If you know anyone that struggles with any form of mental illness it’s best to educate yourself so that you can find an understanding. The National Mental Health Hotline, sponsored by National Alliance on Mental Illness, is: 800-950-NAMI (6264)