The Pentagon has hit on a devastating way to send Afghan insurgents packing and make the war-ravaged country safe for U.S. troops – powerful stink bombs derived from potent extracts of stinky French B.O.
“It’s a breakthrough that will, in fact, change the face of modern warfare,” an aide to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta – who reportedly became physically ill and fainted during a top secret domestic demonstration of the horrific weapon – told me in an exclusive interview.
“Make no mistake – these weapons are foul. The last time I smelled anything like it was when French President Jacques Chirac and his entourage visited President Bush in the White House.
“And that was worse than bringing up the tail end of a skunk parade.”
Pentagon spokesmen citing national security concerns declined to discuss the French B.O. bomb in anything but the most general terms.
But they admit that the “odor weapon,” as they call it, is “even hairier” than the infamous “rotten egg bomb” that the Department of Justice unleashed on the Branch Davidian religious cult in Waco, Texas, in 1993, leading, some say, to the group’s ill-fated decision to set fire to their compound to get rid of the stench.
“The French are notoriously pungent because of the rich foods they eat and their legendary hatred of deodorants,” says a Pentagon source. “People joke about it, but it’s true. And this bomb just takes advantage of it.
“Its only drawback is that the odor doesn’t offend everyone. The French, obviously, are immune.
“But that won’t stop us from using it widely in Afghanistan to flush terrorists and insurgents out of hiding. We also can use it to disperse crowds without causing serious or lasting injury.
“The stink bomb isn’t going to kill anybody – it’s just going to incapacitate them and make them wish they were dead. That’s going to enable us to turn this conflict into a bloodless war, which is the best kind of war to fight.”
The decision to build a bomb based on French B.O. was “an easy one,” says the Department of Defense source. When compared to a range of foul-smelling ingredients that included cat doody, ammonia, limburger cheese, geezer panties, old sneakers, and something called “essence of Port-a-Potty,” scrapings from French armpits were judged stinkiest – hands down.
The odor most foul has been successfully tested as the payload in multiple “delivery systems,” including hand grenades, rocket-propelled grenades, bazooka shells, cruise missiles and drones.
Production targets are a matter of national security and a closely guarded secret. But sources confirm the Pentagon has ordered several hundred thousand gallons of the “synthetic stink” for use in Afghanistan “as soon as possible.”
“The only potential for trouble is if the enemy begins to produce their own synthetic French B.O. and turns it against us in domestic terror strikes,” says the Pentagon source.
“As Americans, we intend to use the bombs against insurgents, terrorists and troublemakers and will strive to steer them away from civilian targets. But a terrorist has no such scruples.
“Four or five large French B.O. bombs unleashed in a densely populated urban area such as New York City or Chicago would have devastating consequences as citizens tried to escape the smell.
“Slow-moving children and senior citizens would be particularly at risk of being trampled by people trying to get away.”
Advisory: Derek Clontz’s Wild World of News is parody and should be read and evaluated as such. All characters and sources appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.