My decision to divorce, on two separate occasions, revolved around my thoughts for my children’s’ futures. Were these the types of behaviors (mine and my partners) I want to model? Are these the types of interactions I want to foster in them? Is this the type of man I want my son to grow up to be? Do I want my daughters to grow up thinking this is how male /female relationships are supposed to be?
Keeping those thoughts in the forefront of my mind made the sequence of events throughout divorce proceeding tolerable. While it is a fact that no one wants to separate or divorce for separation or divorce sake, there are circumstances in relationships that cause the union to become insupportable. We do our best to get to know someone before we form that union and it can prove a huge detriment to our egos to admit we were not correct in our analysis or we just were not prepared or mature enough to handle all of the pressures that come with marriage.
How do you know?
You spend lots of time getting to know each other. You spend time with each other’s friends families and if applicable, children. Everybody gets along, or they don’t, and it still sits well with the two of you. You share the same ideals and dreams, or so it seems, and the things you can compromise on, you do. Then you marry. All of the sudden you are with this person you’ve never met before and thinking, “this isn’t what I signed up for!” Whether you dated for 6 months or 6 years it’s virtually impossible to predict how a personal will grow and change as part of the normal processes of progression. Some people grow together, some apart. Some have hidden character traits and aspects that go undetected by both parties for a long time and when they surface, prove to be detrimental to the relationship. Your reaction to these aspects (yours or your partners) is just as unpredictable.
What can you do about it?
Be true to your own motivations. For me, staying true to my thoughts about my children made the decision clear and precise, no matter what I had to endure. While divorce is not desirable for anyone- especially when you consider that some people divorce because of all types of abuse which may occur positive results can come from this experience. If it is in both parties’ best interest and serves to benefit the children, try to work it out. If it is impossible to manage, because of hurt feelings, raw emotions and differences that have become too great to overcome, or abuse, keep you own personal motives pure (free from malice, vengeance, selfishness) and seek the best solution for both parties and any children involved. This will ensure that in the end, you are satisfied with yourself (if not the outcome), you will be free from bitterness and open to personal growth so history does not repeat itself in your future.