I made an important decision almost one year ago: The decision was to end my relationship with my husband. I would not say that it was a hard decision, it was more of an eye-opening experience.
For years I dealt with outright disrespect, verbal abuse which turned physical, lies, deception, and more. You alone, however, have to decide what you want from your relationship. My relationship lasted almost 15 years. Many times I was told from family members and friends to leave the relationship. I, however, could not see the bad or the negativity in the relationship. I did not want to see it. In fact, I did not realize how bad it truly was until I began to believe in myself.
In 2008, we had a terrible fight and he punched me directly in the face; breaking both my nose and eye socket. Scared, I lied to my family, friends, and co-workers, and told them that I had fallen. Sadly, some of them didn’t believe me. The more they questioned, the closer I clung to him. To this day he sees no fault in hurting me in that way. Furthermore, throughout the entire relationship, many times I found evidence that he acted unfaithful, and when I would question him, the tables would turn and he would tell me that I was the unfaithful one. Toward the end, we sought marriage counseling but my heart, mind, and soul were not in it anymore – I felt that I was missing something, my happiness, independence, and freedom.
A relationship should be about understanding, sharing, trust, happiness, respect, and much more. Controlling someone is not love. Hurting someone without feeling remorse or sorrow is not love. Alienating someone from their friends and family is not love. I let all of this happen. I was manipulated by lies and charm. I now know and understand what I don’t want in a partner and what I deserve. No one can tell you what to do with your relationship, you alone have to make the decision. Ask yourself these questions:
Does your partner lie? I was lied to from day one. My ex-husband told me he graduated from college when, in fact, he did not. I found out that he did not graduate at a family function when his aunt mentioned it during a conversation. He also lied to other people in my presence. If he or she is lying to others in your presence then they are most likely also lying to you.
Does your partner respect people? He never respected anyone and always thought he was better than everyone else. When I would try to talk to him about an issue, I was given the silent treatment. He would make crude comments about women in general. He also often disrespected people in general. He never held a steady job because of his attitude toward people. If a person truly cares about their relationship they will find a way to communicate openly and respectfully.
Are you being abused? I stayed in my relationship after a broken nose and fractured eye socket. This is a huge mistake. Men who abuse women in any way are not worth the pain and heartache. A good man will never raise a hand or make a woman scared. He convinced me that no one would want to be with me besides him. This is not true for anyone. If you are being abused, please speak out and tell someone who you trust. No one will judge you they will help you, I promise.
Are you happy? If you are not happy in your current relationship you have to figure out why. No one is worth your happiness. A loving partner will want to make you happy, they would never judge you or make you purposely feel uncomfortable. Make your own private list of pros and cons. What are the cons? If they are minimal like throwing clothes on the floor versus the hamper you should be able to overlook them. If the cons are serious they must be addressed.
Does your partner hold you back from your dreams? I had a wonderful job opportunity in my early twenties. I did not pursue it because due to reasons that were selfish to him. You share dreams with your partner. A good partner motivates, supports you, and helps you reach your goals. They also never alienate you from your friends and family. I ended many friendships because of what he said or did to them. In the end, they are still my friends, and are supportive my choice. But, if your partner purposely causes trouble or asks you chose between them and your friends or family – walk away.
Be true to yourself, if a relationship doesn’t feel right or meet your needs it is okay to leave. Many times I blamed myself, I would think that I was doing something wrong. Relationships are not perfect, however, they are supposed enjoyable, blissful, and loving. Communication and compromise keep them going strong. If your partner shuts you down, abuses you, or disrespects you on a consistent basis, it is time to address the situation and leave if necessary. Always remain positive and happy; never lose yourself, your independence, and your goals, dreams, and desires as they are meant to be shared with others. Believe in you!